My Breakup Lessons- I Wish I Knew Sooner.

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I have been through a few breakups in my life, and yes that don’t get easier, but hopefully I am a little wiser after each ending. I wish it didn’t have to be this way but it seems in my case there is no other way but learning from my mistakes. Sometime I wish I had known all this before to save me from the unnecessary pain and heartache. But life isn’t like that and with each stepping stone along the road of life lessons are learnt one way or another, whether we are ready for them or not. So what have I learnt?

1. Nothing is a Waste

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No matter how long your relationship was or if it was the most wonderful thing in the world or plain sucked, there is always a lesson to learn. I now understand that it is a shame to waste this learning opportunity by being resentful or angry. 

2. You are in Charge of Your Own Happiness

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We all get so consumed in ourselves and with the other person in the relationship and believe that they are responsible for our happiness. But after 41 years on this earth I realise that my happiness is governed by ME, not by Tom, Dick, or Harry, or my boss, or friend, mother or sister. I am responsible for my happiness, full stop.

3. Trust Your Instinct

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You know that niggling feeling that sits deep within you, telling you to do something differently or informing you if something doesn’t feel right? Your gut, your instinct, whatever you want to call it. Well the bottom line is trust it 100 percent. It is your friend, it will be your saviour. In my last relationship I had a feeling that he may be cheating on me but I chose to ignore it because there were no obvious signs. My instinct was right.

4. You Can’t Change Someone

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Look the reality is we are all individuals with our own quirks and varying personalities, some strong, some calm, some unsure. Either way I know now and I wish I knew it earlier, you can’t change anyone who does not want to change for themselves. You just can’t. So you either accept the way they are and live happily with them or you do whatever you need to do, on your part. Stop living in the illusion that you will change someone.

5. Being Alone is Okay

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I have always moved from one relationship to another, but now I just want to be alone for a while, to gather my thoughts, to find out who am really am after all these years, to understand what I want from my next relationship. It’s okay to be alone, gather yourself, strengthen yourself.

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My Biggest Life Shock During the Corona Virus.

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Never in my entire life have I ever experienced anything as life changing, life altering, life stopping as I have with this Corona Virus pandemic. Humanity had literally come to a standstill. We are social creatures and this virus has cut through the very fabric of who we are as human beings. Worry and fear rage rampant, fear of the unknown, fearing of catching the virus, fear of the uncertain future and even fear of death.

There is a great deal on everyone’s plate, but it doesn’t end there. Surging unemployment, increased domestic violence and breakups are now the new normal for the year 2020. A year all generations will never forget.

“If you hit a porcupine with a stick it lengthens its quills and expands in size. The soul is perhaps like this, made stronger with evert beating, with every hardship. And ever soul must go through this process to become powerful.”

Mona Vayda

A friend of mine lives in Berlin, Germany and this is her story she wanted to share: 

“I have two kids and a partner, all confined to our home during the lockdown. For many families this would have been a great opportunity to come closer together, to unite as one again and spend much needed quality time that has been forgotten in our hectic and hurried lives.

Two weeks into lockdown my partner began changing. His mood more sullen, his interest in the kids and I seemed to noticeably diminish. I confronted him a few times, I was concerned for him. He just dismissed my questions with a simple, ‘It’s nothing.’ However, he spent hours at a time on his phone, this seemed to uplift his mood and bring smiles to his face. Once the phone was down, doom and gloom rained over.

He was in the shower one evening and his phone beeped, an incoming message. I could not resist. I read the message. I almost dropped the phone. The message was from a woman I didn’t know. ‘I miss you, I love you too!’ it was sent with an intimate photo of her posing. I was horrified. At the time I think I must have gone into shock or something because I just sat back down and stared into space for I don’t know how long. I finally confronted him, I remember that dialogue so vividly. I wanted to know if there was someone else in his life. He denied it and looked at me like I was crazy. I asked him again, he denied it once more. My pain was getting deeper, a cheater and a liar. I told him about the message. He was speechless for a few minutes and in that moment everything I knew as my life changed forever. Thanks to the lockdown I discovered the truth, the lie, the empty shell of a life I was living.

As painful as it was, for the first time in a long time things were going to be different, change had come into my life with such force I had no way of running away from it. I had no choice but to embrace it, believe in it and move forward with it, all the while reminding myself that I was strong, and would continue to be strong. I was a positive human being and would continue to be a positive human being.” (Ingrid, 40, Berlin, Germany)

Okay let’s be honest, breakups are extremely stressful and difficult under normal circumstances but with the pandemic thrown into the mix, things can get overwhelming very quickly. The reality is there is just so much to deal with right now for everyone. 

But take a step back for a second, it’s okay to feel like that, you are not alone in this. If you have just broken up check out ‘Breakup? Stop. Read These Top 5 Must Do’s’. It is difficult to even think about the future if you just broke up, anxiety and worry may consume you about how you will get through this, if you will find someone else, and will they be everything and more than your previous partner. Take it one step, one day at a time. Remember, you are strong, your are beautiful and you are immensely capable of getting through this, and you will.

If you have any stories you would like to share on this Over Breakup Blog I would love to hear from you!

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Women You are Beautiful- Even After a Breakup

Okay, so you are going through a breakup or moving on from one and each day you are bombarded with plethora of feelings and emotions. Feeling beautiful, worthy or loved can easily take a back seat. Well, don’t forget that you are beautiful even after a breakup.

The truth is sometimes we simply need to remind ourselves of this. I know every time I went through a breakup, feeling beautiful was the last thing on my list. So here is something that works. ‘I am Beautiful’ affirmations. Repeat these to yourself at least once a day or as many times as you need to.

‘I am Beautiful’ Affirmations

  • I love myself.
  • I am beautiful.
  • I am beautiful on the inside and out.
  • I am happy with who I am.
  • I am strong.
  • I am confident.
  • I deserve to be beautiful.
  • I know who I am and I am comfortable and happy about that.
  • I grow more beautiful each and every day.
  • I love all of me and except myself completely.

If you need a little more inspiration check out these videos. ‘Women You are Beautiful’ .

Also have a look at Jon Jorgenson video, ‘Who You Are: A Message To All Women’ .

Your relationship ending is not a reason enough for you to feel inadequate or stomp on your self esteem or worth. You are beautiful. You are beautiful!

“Have a look in the mirror, no matter what anyone says or does, no matter what struggles have come your way, you are beautiful, full stop.”

Mona Vayda

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Breakup? STOP. Read These Top 5 Must Do’s.

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Breakups are hard and stressful and it can feel like watching a building that had taken much time or many years of devotion and sacrifice to construct fall apart in slow motion within minutes. Nothing left to show but rubble and dust. In today’s society with the ‘grass is always greener’ mentality relationship breakups have become painfully common place for many of us.

Someone once told me that we never understand happiness until we have felt sadness, peace until we are faced with a struggle, trust until we are betrayed, hope until we know doubt. The truth is we go through all these emotions and more when living through a breakup. So what are the things you must do immediately in the first five days to give yourself the best chance of getting over your breakup?

1) Write a Letter to Your Ex

Now don’t get excited or worried or even anxious, remember you will NOT be sending this letter. I repeat, you will not be sending this letter. This exercise is designed to allow you the space and time to honestly get in touch with your inner most feelings, emotions and thoughts. So what should you write?

  • How are you feeling right now, in this moment?
  • What are you worried about?
  • Do you have any regrets, if so why?
  • What are your thoughts about the future, about your future?

Be very clear, write from your heart honestly and openly and get in touch with your inner most feelings, no one is judging you. Keep in mind you don’t have to be vindictive or mean as this will be counterproductive for your own well being.

2) Grieve

Yes grieve. There is nothing to gain mentally or emotionally in pretending you are not affected or hurt by the breakup (and if you are genuinely not affected then give yourself a pat on the back) but for many of us it doesn’t work like that. You are not a robot, you are a human being and this is a natural process human beings experience in face of loss or suffering. 

Give yourself the luxury to grieve, whatever that means to you. If you need to cry, cry. If you need to take some time out from everyone, do that. I remember with my breakups I needed to go through it on my own, alone, in my space, in my way. I cried when suffering consumed me, disappeared into my heart’s darkness for as long as I chose. I had to accept the process and take responsibility for who I had become.

However, and this is a very important however, grieve to release the sorrow from your system but if the grieving continues for too long or indefinitely its going to become a habit, a habit that can disable you from getting up again for a very long time. It has been said if you do something continuously for more than 21 days it becomes a habit. Grieving in not a habit you want to create. In short, don’t drag it on.

3) Delete and Detox

This is one of the most crucial steps in helping you move on from your breakup and it also may be one of the hardest. Delete, delete, delete. So what do I mean by that?

Social media, delete your ex from ALL your social media accounts. I don’t mean just unfollow, or hide or block, I mean delete. Yes this maybe very difficult for you. What if they contact you via social media, what if they like your post, what if, what if, what if? Ignore the what if’s for now and do this for yourself. The sooner you cut all contact or any possibility of getting any information on them during this critical breakup period, the better it will be for you mentally and emotionally in the long run. Also delete his number from your phone, unthinkable maybe, but on this journey drastic measures are required to ensure you triumph above all. Go on you can do it.

4) Clean Out the Clutter

In order to move forward it is necessary to clean out all the clutter. By clutter I mean anything in your home that reminds you of your ex. Furniture, photos, special things that take you down memory lane or anything for that matter that may cause you to move two steps backwards instead of forward.

Take your time and go through everything, it might be painful right now but it better now than in the future. Put it away, throw it away, give it away, whatever you do just take that first step. If it helps rearrange your furniture or decor, do what you need to do to alter your environment in order to get over your ex.

Remember you cannot walk through a dark forest that has tangling vines ever inch of the way, you are bound to get caught in them at some point.

5) Write Your Feelings Down

Get yourself a journal, the physical act of putting pen to paper has shown to have enormous emotional and mental benefits. Each day try and write down how you feel. You can do this at the end of the day, at the beginning of the day or when you feel you are really struggling. Express your feelings, put them in your journal, get it out of your system.

The faster you release your negative emotions, worries or anxiety by journalising them the faster you can move forward with your day, better handling it, better managing it.

Remember, your happiness is the number one priority, full stop. So go ahead and take the necessary steps to help yourself. I know you can do it. You know, you can do it!

“You are a flower ready to bloom. Wake up! Do not let time pass you in vain.”

Mona Vayda

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Breakups. A True Story.

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This is a little snippet of a certain period of my life I wrote about. It was during the time my three year relationship came to its sudden and unexpected end. Transport yourself to Sydney, Australia…

Sydney Harbour buzzed with life. I sat lazily on a bench, my heart was aching, my relationship had come to its end, his love was gone, so he said. I painfully wondered if it was even ever there.

Suddenly an elderly woman with her dog made herself comfortable next to me. Her withered skin suggested many a day on the beach basking under the Australian sun. Her dog could have been mistaken for a furry old rat.

“Do you have a partner?” She asked without hesitation.

“Yes.” I smiled politely.

“Really?” she repeated, in surprise, as if she doubted me.

“Yes.” I doubted myself.

“That’s good to hear. Life passes so quickly and before you know it you will be old and grey like me. But don’t worry not for a long time still, dear.” We sat watching the hustle and bustle before us.

“Where is your partner?” she finally asked.

“Oh, he’s at home,” I casually replied.

“Home, really?” Her tone suggested that she was ‘psychoanalysing’ me as my response may have indicated issues.

“When one needs to think this is a good place to come, isn’t it?” she said, stroking her dog.

“Do you mind if I share a story with you, dear?” she asked timidly.

“Oh, not at all, please do.”

“Thank you. This is a true story and I tell it to whomever I feel needs to hear it. There was this old lady who suddenly found herself on her deathbed―it’s not me so don’t worry dear. Everyone loved her. One day, one of her visiting grandchildren asked what she was most proud of in her life? The frail old woman replied with a sudden gush of energy and a big smile, “I am most proud of my belief in myself and my life.” Her voice was calming and precise.

“You know, my dear, we human beings doubt so much about ourselves that we fail to live as we should, happily. We fail to make changes, we fail to see things for what they are.” She had my undivided attention.

“Now allow me to continue with my story. So then, as if a penny had dropped, the following day the dying woman summoned all her grandchildren to her bedside. Comfortably sitting up in bed in the small hospital room, tucked under a pink blanket, she looked more radiant than ever.”

“This old lady told her grandchildren how her journey had taken her up dangerous mountains and down treacherous valleys. Each experience had allowed her to believe in her own powers to create a fulfilling life. Even though she had a loving marriage of fifty-one years, she was ultimately responsible for her own happiness, not her husband or children or even grandchildren. Life is the most beautiful thing; it is like water for the thirsty, food for the hungry, an oasis in the desert.”

“So the old lady urged her grandchildren to wake up, wake up from their self-induced slumber. She didn’t want them to get bogged down by trivialities but to be proactive in finding the truth about themselves and using the power of belief we all possess to create an incredible life. To launch themselves into the world without fear or reservation.

“The message was not to squander a moment more with the wrong people for the wrong reasons, for no one can stop the hurrying march of the years as they creep up. Never forget that the power to change anything and everything lies in your own hands, and nowhere else. The fundamental

element of happiness is a belief in its own eternity.’ ” I could almost see the peace that stole into the lady’s soul.

“Wow, that was a beautiful story. Thank you.”

This chance meeting changed my entire outlook on what was about to happen in my life, about my relationship breakup, myself, my future. I hope this story helps you in some way. There may be pain right now but there is a light that shines above you waiting for you to stand up and believe in the good that is yet to come, to believe in yourself, in your life. Remember, there is ALWAYS good yet to come.

I would love to hear your story if you have had any similar experiences and don’t mind sharing!

“Sometimes the most unexpected meetings can change our lives forever.”

Mona Vayda

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Breakups Suck

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Breakups suck, plain and simple. I know this because I have been there, not just once but a few times actually. And each time it doesn’t necessarily get any easier.

I am here to share my experiences, my weird and wonderful journey thus far, its ups and downs, the lessons and hopefully, wisdom I have accumulated through the years. Even if one piece of advise helps you on your journey, I will be a happy girl.

Over Breakup is here to make breakups a little easier. Let’s do this!

“Pain and suffering is a part of life, unfortunately there is no jumping over it. Be strong and get through it, this is the only way.”

Mona Vayda

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